Swings and Roundabouts

So my mum sat me down last night and said that i had to stop being so mardy and “snappy” with her and my dad. I told her i just wanted to be left alone and i’d told them that over and over but they still wouldn’t listen.

So she did her usual and basically ignored my reason and just told me to sort it out otherwise “they would have to seriously think about another arrangement for me”. Haven’t got a clue what she meant by that, but I’m going to guess it is another one of her empty threats.

So i sat on my own for abit and figured i would just be “fake” me. The person i bring out at work or for people i don’t know very well so they don’t know anything is wrong. My mum and dad are now really happy with me for stopping being mardy and everything. It fucks me off that i can’t even show how i truly feel in my own house, plus it is a lot of hard work pretending to be happy constantly.

It makes me angry at them, it makes me want to shout “you fucking idiots, you don’t help!”. But that would be pointless, they would be like “you had a drink like a million days ago this is why you’re unhappy”. Nothing is ever their fault. It’s always because I’ve had a drink, which it isn’t, drinking just makes me brave enough to say the stuff i write here out loud.

They are fucking idiots. I just want them to realise that most of the stuff they do, doesn’t help me at all. It makes me worse.

August 31st 2012

Having a bit of a crappy week. Work is extremely boring and dull as we reached the deadline last week, now we are just doing all the mundane stuff there wasn’t time for over the past couple of weeks. Going very slowly, with extra emphasis on the word slowly. Twice.

Not feeling great in myself as well to be honest. I dunno what it is but i just feel restless but like i don’t want to be around people. It’s annoying and confusing so I’m hoping it goes away soon. Like now please … no? Didn’t think so.

My mum and dad are back from France and are doing my head in already. Interfering and just generally trying to sit me down to talk about “how i am”. I feel shit, go away!! Then it’s like, why? Have you been drinking? How about … shhhh, it’s not always about drink. Seriously think they are trying to put a subliminal message across the amount they love talking about drinking.

Still don’t know my decision on the John situation either. I know it would be best to cut him out, but like anyone who has been in my situation, just because you know you should do something, doesn’t mean i want to do that. I wish i could be a bit more cut throat sometimes, and just be like “enough is enough” but … I love him … I think. Sigh. God damn you mind!! Pick a feeling and decision and stick to it, stop confusing me with all this backwards and forwards business.

Yeah, i just gave my mind a talking to. Definitely losing the plot.

August 29th 2012

So here are my thoughts, my real, true thoughts, after some drunk and now sober thinking, on John…

I used to battle with my head and my heart over John. My heart loved him more than anything and only saw the brilliant, kind, funny John. My head fucking hated him and constantly put it’s foot down and wanted to leave. ALOT.

Now though, my heart has a new love, a love that will always come before anyone or anything, and that is to be “normal”, to not feel like i need to die.

Sadly though, my head has also found a new love, and that is listening to the anti-christ that currently holds court in my head. And for some fucked up reason, it is currently wanting John. Talk about u-fucking-turn.

I text him last night and asked him what he wants from me. He has today and tomorrow to text back, which is more time than the knob deserves, before i decide myself what will happen from now on. He can’t be arsed to text back, he loses his vote. End of.

Problem is… i dunno what my decision is. Plus i know that if it isn’t what my head says, it is going to be like the hardest decision to stand by.

Guidance is very much appreciated right now…

August 26th 2012

Feeling better now. My best friend cheered me up good. It’s annoying that she’ll never properly get where I’m coming from sometimes, but then no one will. This in general annoys me because how will i ever know if what is going on in my head is my depression playing tricks or is actually my thoughts.

I need someone to help me, guide me. My therapist seems to think I’ll be okay on my own, and I’m really starting to think i will totally drown on my own. I will fail and end up ruining my life because i can’t make a good decision without help from someone. I was doing okay for a while but now I’ve lost hope and belief in myself and i don’t know how to get it back.

I am feeling better though. I still would like to be 6ft under BUT i feel i can deal better on ground level now. If that makes sense, which i doubt it does.

August 26th 2012

Still feel shitty and low and like the only place i really want to be is 6ft under. I have maybe slept a max of 3 hours, i have become addicted to the series Weeds. I’m now on series 3.

Oh and I’m bringing my rabbit back inside, i want him close, my mum lost her sense of smell so she can’t use the reason of he smells to move him outside this time.

I’m not okay and i don’t know what to do.

…

So it’s like 7 hours since i wrote that and I’m feeling abit better. Sorted my room so Albere can go back in there and my best friend is coming round to help move him in. Still feel shitty but don’t feel so much like i belong 6ft under. I’m also still, if not more, addicted to Weeds.

August 26th 2012

I’m a fucking stupid, stupid, stupid, loser, retard, twat, fuckwit, idiot. I hate me. I hate what a dick i am when i drink. I hate me, i hate me, i hate me. Kill me now. I want to be left alone FOREVER. Except i don’t wanna be left alone i just don’t want to see or speak to most people.

I’m not going to do anything. I want to, but i won’t. Just feel low, really low, i want a new life where i can start again all fresh and just try again at life. I want to disappear. I’m not okay.

Just in bed crying like an idiot. I want my mum. I need a cuddle with my puppy man too. If my mum knew i felt low though she would just worry and i dunno what’s worse, pretending I’m fine or my mum worrying and stressing and going back to keeping my tablets? Why can’t just one thing be simple, is that really too much to ask?

I don’t feel like fighting it this time, I’m tired and unhappy. Fed up of putting a smile on my face so people feel better when they look at me. Fed up of pretending it will all be fine, it might not, why should i sit here and be all positive so the “happy” people feel comfortable around me. I am in a bad, bad

0 days John free. Fuck sake!

August 25th 2012