Swings and Roundabouts

So turns out I finish work tomorrow instead of Friday. Feels weird, it’s only one day’s difference but it feels like it came from out of nowhere and it’s all really sudden. As if it’s only just actually sunk in.

I can’t actually remember a time when I felt this confident in myself and my decisions. I’ve been looking back at my blog a lot recently and it feels so strange to read my posts from the beginning. I was so down and was constantly in a state of hovering over rock bottom or hitting it. I can remember a time when I fully believed I would never have control of my own head again, let alone feel happy for longer than a couple of hours. 

I know I still have a long way to go, and there are no promises I won’t hit rock bottom again, but I feel happy, I feel like I can do this, I can live. I don’t want to end my life, I care about people and I know that the ones in my life would not be better off without me, that I’m just as important in their life as any of their other friends. I really want to thank them so much for that, they helped clear my head a bit.

I feel I’m turning a corner and I can face some of my demons now. Not all of them, but some is better than hiding away.

May 30th 2012

Starting to get a bit sad about finishing work this week. Some people are saying some really nice things about me and I can see some people will actually miss me, also today is the first time anyone has actually acknowledged the fact that I basically handed the new job role over to the other girl. No one is yet to mention the fact she didn’t deserve this one bit after the way she treats me, but you know some is better than none. I still stand by my decision though! Leaving this job is definitely a good move for me. I feel happier already, just knowing the end is near!

I don’t really know what I’m going to do after yet. I’ve been thinking a lot about travelling around America, but I also like the idea of college. I know I could do both, I guess I just need to have a look into both ideas in detail. Obviously I’m going to have to find some work to afford either path. Though in truth it just feels good to be in a positive frame of mind for longer than 2 days.

May 29th 2012

So the guy I was talking about a couple of days ago, well today he had flowers delivered to my work for me. It is very sweet and a lovely thought, but for some reason it made me feel soooo uncomfortable. Maybe because everyone was kind of teasing me and asking if he was my boyfriend and stuff and some of the people I work with know him, which makes that worse. But also because we talked about a relationship on Friday and Saturday and in the end I told him I just needed to sort my head out and that I didn’t want a relationship with ANYONE right now.

It just doesn’t feel like a friend kind of thing to do, you know? I mean, you buy someone flowers because you like them or love them. I just feel like everything I told him kind of went in one ear and out the other, and that maybe he still kind of hopes something might happen? Maybe I’m just being a big head. He did it because he thought it would make me smile, and it did in a way. It was such a lovely gesture, I just feel bad that he is wasting his time on me, when he should be going and finding a girl who would LOVE flowers being sent to her by him, you know what I mean?

I like being single, it suits how I am right now. It is going to take someone really special to persuade me to change my mind.

May 23rd 2012

Still feeling up and down. I just know it’s going to end badly, but I don’t want to tell my mum I know she will just freak out and start watching me like a hawk. She won’t want me going anywhere, except work. Thing is, I know she is just doing that because she cares, and she is worrying, but like that doesn’t help me. Nothing seems to be helping really, I put a face on at work, and make jokes and generally just try to be the least serious i can possibly get away with, because I find it easier to pretend I’m okay when people are being silly, rather than serious.

Been thinking a lot about getting away a lot today. For some reason I have a craving to travel, which is odd considering I hate planes. Maybe it’s because the weather is really nice?! I dunno, but I just feel a need to go lie on a beach and not have to deal with stuff here, I don’t have to answer people’s questions about how I’m feeling. I can be whoever I want to. Any suggestions as to where to go? Answers on a postcard!

May 22nd 2012

Can feel my mood going up and down a lot today, and it really really doesn’t feel good. I just want to curl up on my own, away from people till I feel better, but it’s only Monday and I have 4 days left at work till I can curl up on Saturday, and I can pretty much guess I will be feeling worse by then.

I hate that I can feel myself slipping into a bad place, but I don’t know how to prevent it going any further than feeling like that. Hopefully when I start therapy it will teach me how to do that. But like what am I supposed to do till then?!

I had such a good weekend as well, just annoys me that silly stuff can ruin it for me. I got to work today and found I had like 3 - 4 really arsey emails from a colleague and that was before anyone else had even got in Instantly I wanted to go home, I didn’t want to face the colleague in case the arsey attitude continued. I hate that I’ve got shit at reading people, my head plays tricks on me now.

My day got better as it went on, and then the retard that I am, I went on facebook (I really really fucking hate that site, I don’t know why I put myself through it) and my ex had deleted me from his facebook … again. YUP, again. I don’t know why this has got to me, I don’t love him anymore, I don’t want to be with him, I told him as much like a month ago. It just feels like more rejection. There was no harm in being on each other’s facebook. Well I thought that anyway, I didn’t look at his, and I can kind of figure he doesn’t look at mine. So why delete me? And he has only done this recently, like since Friday/Saturday. I dunno. I wish my head didn’t care, my heart certainly doesn’t anymore.

May 21st 2012