Swings and Roundabouts

Thank you Tumblr chums for your nice words. Put a smile on my face! :D

It really gets to me how people can think it’s okay to make other people feel so small. This is probably going to make me look like a pathetic idiot, but I’m going to write about it anyway.

I commented on a friend’s status on Facebook (probably one of the worst inventions ever, but also one of the most addictive), I then went on to upload some videos and stuff, and then I noticed that other people had commented on my friend’s status but I hadn’t been notified. I had a look what other people had written and noticed my comment had gone. Turns out this so-called friend had deleted the status I had commented on and re-wrote the same status straight afterwards.

Where do people get off on doing stupid shit like that? One, it’s a pretty shitty way to tell someone you’re pissed with them and don’t want to talk, and two, it’s just freaking immature. I know it’s daft, but it bothered me, it made me feel like 2 feet tall. I don’t get why he isn’t talking to me, I really have no clue what I’ve done, if anything.

It just irritates me that people think it’s okay to mess with other’s like that. Facebook gives too many people too much control, something that can go to their heads and just upset and fuck with others.

April 13th 2012

I asked my friend is he thinks I’m weird today. He said he didn’t think I was weird, but that the world around me was the weird one. Thought that was really nice, made me smile and cheered me up quite a lot. He’s probably just lubing his head up and shoving it up my arse, but all the same, it’s a nice sentiment.

Need to stop lying about, I’m determined to have an active day tomorrow and get stuff done, instead of lying in bed watching CSI Miami and sleeping!

April 11th 2012

So I had a really shit night last night. I don’t sleep very well anyway, and I’ve recently been put on new medication to help me relax at night and shut my brain off. I couldn’t take it last night because you can’t mix it with alcohol. I had been to the pub and had a couple of drinks.

I dunno what happened, the past few nights before I hadn’t slept well at all, I think I was just over tired. I ended up ringing my best friend and basically having a nervous breakdown over the phone to her. I felt really bad because I woke her up at like 2.30 in the morning. She really helped me though and she stayed really calm and just listened to me being a drama queen and calmed me down as well. She even came over today to check I was okay.

Just goes to show when it comes to friends, it really is about quality and not quantity. Love her so much for looking after me and dealing with my craziness!

April 8th 2012

At the beginning of my depression being diagnosed, people always asked me if it was to do with John (my ex). Sometimes I would say no, sometimes maybe or I don’t know. Occasionally I would say yes because at times I thought maybe it was his fault. Trust me the reason for my depression was a constant thought in my head. All these people wanting to know what went wrong, and the only person I really cared about telling the real answer to was myself. I thought long and hard and trailed through my memories to find when I stopped feeling like me, stopped wanting to wake up and go to work and really just wished to be alone and well dead. I had felt so numb for so long, death seemed like the next logical step in my fucked up head.

I guess it really properly started when I was working as a temp and my employers gave me responsibility and trust without even really looking at what I was capable of. They just handed me a huge task and figured I would deal with it, because honestly no one else really had the time to sort it themselves. For the first time in a long time I felt so proud of myself, for just falling into step and getting on with it. I still whinged about going to work, but really secretly I loved being there, training up new temps and deciding what tasks they would be doing that week. But then the “promise” of an actual well paid, secure job started to fall through and I started doubting myself. That’s when I really stopped feeling like me. The not wanting to wake and feeling numb hadn’t begun, but it was the beginning of a very long fall to rock bottom all the same.

I started looking back on my life and thinking what had I really got to show for it? I had no real possessions, no house, I didn’t even really own my car at the time. John and me were still together at the time and he kept me strong, stronger than I would of been alone, for a long time. But cracks started appearing and old problems started showing between us again. We broke up and for a while I (oddly) felt a bit better because I could show my grief at the loss of John openly. No one really realised that I was also showing unhappiness with myself as well though. Then a very close friend of mine slept with him and, though we were not together any more, it broke my heart. That was when I really begun to build a wall and stop trusting everyone I had so openly and unquestioningly trusted before. 

I blame no one for my depression but myself. Though a lot of people helped, all of those people also slowed (myself included) the climb out of the hole I put myself in. 

I’m starting to realise now that none of these people are the reason for the happiness I have felt. It has always been ME making ME happy. They just helped me realise I could do it. I’m not fine without certain people, but I know I’m going to get better quicker and correctly if they aren’t around me at the moment. 

At least now I can answer the question that has bugged me for over a year. It was always me, certain situations didn’t help, but it was always me no longer making me happy that caused it in all honesty. Weirdly most of those people will never see this, as not many people who actually know me know this is my blog. But it makes me feel better to at least tell someone other than myself.

April 6th 2012

Feeling kinda happy at the moment. Work is going okay, I mean I did what I need to do, and it doesn’t drag too badly. I get on with it and think of the money I will get on pay day, and how I don’t actually need all of it now I don’t really go anywhere much. It’s okay, I can do it.

The friends thing is kinda not seeming such an issue to me anymore. I mean I miss them for their own individual reasons, but at the sametime, maybe it’s better we went our seperate ways? That’s just fate for now, plus being hurt and upset has passed and now I’m just pissed off.

I’ve kinda got used to staying in now, and have found plenty of ways to make it good, and not suck completely. I can make jokes about the whole thing and actually laugh, instead of feeling like I’m just covering up the fact I actually want to cry. Hopefully going out on Friday night, going to get dressed up and have a laugh, looking forward to it.

Gotta find the silver lining in everything …

March 28th 2012

I have lost a lot of people over the past 6 months. I have apologised for the mistakes I’ve made, but this doesn’t seem to be good enough for them. To start with how I can start to make things right if you don’t talk to me? Sorry is rarely enough for people anymore, many people expect you to not only say it but show it as well. How can I when you refuse to talk to me or see me? It starts to feel like you never wanted me around in the first place and now you have found the perfect excuse to get rid of me, without damaging your own character.

Three of the people who don’t speak to me anymore have caused me pain themselves. I accepted their apology, no need to prove anything. I just was happy to be able to call them my friend again. I’m not saying this means they HAVE to take my apology and be my friend again, I just wish they would remember how it felt when they had to swallow their pride and admit they had said or done something that needed an apology to fix. That they would remember how long it took them to build up the courage to say sorry, with the thought in the back of their head I might not accept it and I might just tell them where to go, or worse ignore them.

I’m human I make mistakes. I have said things in anger or upset that I meant for a fraction of a second. I have made stupid choices that have made people who care feel like I don’t care about them. But how am I supposed to learn if you never let me make mistakes? Friends do not make me who I am, I will always be me with or without people. I’m feeling pretty happy in my life at the moment. It’s nice not to have to complicate life with people bitching or constantly over thinking things people say to me. But that doesn’t mean a part of me doesn’t miss my old friends.

I will always forgive them their mistakes, they like me, are only human after all. But I may never trust them like I did. Every time a person hurts me, a little part of the love I had for them seeps away. It can be rebuilt over time though, which is why I will always at least try to forgive someone and give them the benefit of the doubt. Even if over time they keep making mistakes, if I see something in a person I will fight for them. 

It’s a shame when friendships end, it hurts a hell of a lot. But I can’t make people be my friend and I have to respect that they made their choice for a valid reason. I will learn to cope without them in time, and I will try to get on with my life.

March 20th 2012