Swings and Roundabouts

Had a weird past few days. Went out for the first time in two weeks on Friday and just felt shitty the entire time. Thought I would feel really good after, seeing as I hadn’t been anywhere or seen anyone, except work and work people, for two weeks, but I came home feeling really weird and sick.

My mum and dad went away on their anniversary on Saturday for 5 days, and I ended up ringing my mum because no one else was picking up their phones, and I think I pretty much ruined their time away, as they had to come home early yesterday because I couldn’t deal with being on my own anymore.

You would think I was 10 not 23. I hate it that I can’t be on my own for 5 days, it’s not like I really talk to my mum or dad, I just like knowing there is someone in the house with me. This basically ruins the idea of moving away, at least for awhile, if I can’t cope with being on my own for more than a day.

I had met up with an old school friend on Sunday night and actually had a really good night though. We are talking more and seeing each other every week or so. It feels nice to have her to talk to again as well, she tends to set me straight and stop being such a drama queen about stuff. It’s nice to have someone to bring you back down to Earth sometimes.

Haven’t been to work all week, I know I’ll have to go tomorrow, my mum is being patient with me about it, but I know she wants me to at least go and try and be there. I just can’t hack having to sit across from someone who blatantly has a problem with me. But she won’t actually say anything out loud to me, and I’m too much of a wimp to ask, so I am equally to blame for it not being spoken about. Just it’s getting in the way of work now and I think all I can really do is leave and find a new job.

Reading through all of this, it all sounds so daft and unimportant issues. I guess I am a drama queen and I need to give myself a mental shake and get on with it. Just trying to keep in mind things can and will get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

February 29th 2012

At first all my friends in Nottingham disowning me really fucking hurt. But now I’m starting to feel kinda happy. For one I have a lot more money from staying in all the time! But I know I’ll always have my oldest friend in Manchester, we’ve been friends since we were like 14 and have been through a lot together.

To be honest I would rather have 1 really really great friend, than like 20 friends who are only around when they agree with what you’re doing or saying. In my eyes friendship isn’t about bailing as soon as one of your friend’s actions aren’t what you agree with or are causing problems with other friends. You support them through everything, whether you agree or not.

There’s nothing wrong with telling them you don’t agree and you think they’re making a mistake, you don’t need to follow them or copy them to be their friend, just be there when it comes crumbling down around them and comfort and support without the “I told you so” speech.

No one here really seems capable of being that mature or reasonable, so goodbye, farewell, it’s time to depart this city and move onto the next. I’m not running away, I’m just done fighting and feeling uncomfortable in Nottingham. I need a fresh start, whether I make loads of friends there, I don’t really mind, I know I can survive with 1 brilliant friend by my side.

February 19th 2012

Sat comfortably? Because I’m going to rant … ish.

I invited 20 people out for my birthday, 4 replied, 3 actually came out. I think the universe is trying to tell me something …

I know people can be rude and arsey when they have a problem with someone, I will readily admit I am one of those people on occasions. But I also stand by the opinion that it’s better to tell that person once you have a clear idea of what you want to say. Not ignore their invite for THEIR BIRTHDAY. Clearly I had no idea if I’d done something or I wouldn’t be putting myself out there to feel like shit inviting them otherwise. I still don’t know now if I’ve done something.

I got sent home from work for bursting into tears and basically go in looking like I was on a death wish. I wouldn’t mind going so much, except I have to sit opposite two of the people that didn’t reply. All that was going through my head was “they don’t like me, they have a problem with me” and I panicked and had to get out of there as quickly as possible. I don’t know if I ‘ll go back tomorrow, I know I should, but some of me thinks time to myself to build myself back up to it all would be better (I know that’s a really long winded way of saying coward).

Thanks tumblr people, another rant off my shoulders. Also please note my February 7th upload, clearly I brought the whole birthday thing on myself by predicting it. See my worrying is for a reason, proof I’m not completely mad.

February 13th 2012

20 fucking 3

So just got back from Manchester, had a freaking brilliant time with my oldest friend. Met her little girl for the first time and she is a proper cutie, made me even broodier than normal. She just came and plonked herself on my knee after meeting me for like a minute. The long weekend was exactly what I needed considering the past few weeks have been full of the kinda crap that knocks me for six.

Had so much fun just hanging out and relaxing watching films and watching the littleun dance away. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I don’t really know what I think about that. Going to be turning 23 annnnnnd that scares me, every year I seem to be getting further and further towards “proper adult life” (who would of thought that?!).

Anyway I’m dreading that no one is going to come out for my birthday and I’m just going to be sat on my billy one feeling old and nowhere near being a real adult. I know I stress about stupid shit that will probably not happen, but I feel better when I think the worse and it doesn’t happen, whatever does happen always feels great to me that way.

February 7th 2012